Homesick

These past 6 weeks have been a life changing experience for me so far. Coming all the way out to Missouri sounded like a exciting adventure that would allow me to see and understand a whole new surrounding. I must admit, this past month and a half has been nothing but a struggle. A struggle to find out who I really am as a person and to test my emotions as I leave the people I love and care about back at home. This test not only quizzes me on my willingness to adapt to a culture that is foreign but also test my physical, mental, & spiritual strength.

I have been fighting to prove to myself that I can compete at a D1 level, but so far... my efforts have left me disappointed. I tell myself that I'm here for strictly business and to show people here in Missouri and the people back at home in California that I can do things on my own and can take care of business. It is so hard to know that I have nothing but my own efforts to take me where I have to go as a man.... .... I'm so drained that I sometimes just want to call it quits. I know that the people I love and care about are only a call away, but I want to be able to hug them and embrace them because I miss them so much.... .... It's so hard to write an entry like this.... I'm breaking down emotionally and I can't even see the screen clearly due to the tears that are building up and running down my face. I'm so homesick. I.... .... can't even explain the things that are going on in my head right now. I want to say so much but I'm afraid that I won't stop crying. Sometimes I wish that I never left home. I wonder if this was the right path for me to take in life. If being out here in Missouri is one of the chapters written in my life story. I wish I could be with all of you right now...

Sarah:
You know you mean the world to me, right? You are my best friend and the best sister any brother can ask for. I miss the stupid things we used to laugh about all day long. I miss the times we spent in my room just chillin' with Kranny. I just want you to know that I'm here for you, sis... I want you to be able to tell me anything without hesitation. I want to be able to be there for you at all times... even if I'm 4,000 miles away. Even though I strive to make the Lord my number 1 person in my life, just know that there can be no better replacement then you. I love you so much, Sarah. Dammit I miss you.........

Jennifer:
It's been 6 weeks since we've been apart. I know I was acting a little shady when I first came out here but it was to help me deal with trying to get over the fact that I had to force a break-up between us. You mean so much to me and I'm so glad that we are trying to make things better. It was just so hard at first because this whole thing was forced even though we really didn't want it to end like this. I know that having a long distance relationship is one of the toughest things to do (especially at our age), but just know that we overcame most of the obstacles along the way. It tears me apart to know that I have to find someone else. But the fact of the matter is that... I don't want to find anyone else. The pact that we made for the future is here to stay and I want you to know that I honestly see me with you later on down the road. When that day will come when we get back together.. only time will tell. But I want to assure you that it will happen. I love you, I miss you, and I want to kiss you. What is Love? Love is Us.

Mom:
You have know idea how much I miss you, Ma. You are the main reason I'm even here today. You've helped me in so many situations that I couldn't have dealt with myself. You taught me to respect women and to treat others as I would like to be treated. You've raised me up to stay out of trouble and to find the right friends that would eventually help me later on in life. I want you to know that this is going to be my turning point in life. From here on out, I am going to be a changed young-man. I don't have room for excuses for why I can't get stuff done. I'm going to suck it up and take matters into my own hands. I know that you are scared/afraid of me having to manage money and to have to budget everything. But just know that I'm here to prove to you that I can do things on my own for once. I'm here for one thing and one thing only. Focus. I don't have room to make mistakes anymore. You are my role model and my Mother and I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you proud. I love you, mom.